The Logfather has been notified. He is en route.
Do not make eye contact.
Torin doesn't mow lawns. He destroys forests for fun. Trees don't just fear him. They know it's coming and can't do a damn thing about it. Zero professional training. Zero regrets. Zero fucks given.
While other guys are out here debating grass seed and sobbing over their goddamn leaf blowers, Torin The Logfather Barker is turning 60-foot oaks into toothpicks before he finishes his coffee. No client. No invoice. No fucking permit. He does this because the trees are there. That's a perfectly good enough reason.
This is a man who looked at a perfectly healthy backyard forest and said: "This could be a clearing." He wasn't asking. He's never been wrong in his life. The trees have been catastrophically, embarrassingly wrong, every single time, right up until they weren't anything at all. Rest in pieces, you absolute cowards.
Primary weapon. Has eaten through 4 chains. She has earned her rest. She doesn't give a shit.
Lush. Peaceful. Completely unaware of what Sunday has in store for them.
Firewood. 11 minutes. Didn't break a sweat. Never fucking does.
Big one for the trees. Little one for when he wants to feel something.
When the chainsaw alone isn't enough. It always is. This is just because he can.
He doesn't help. She doesn't help. They both watch. They both judge everybody. Good dogs.
Neighbors report no calls were made to authorities. Several simply watched from windows.
Residents in the 800 block of Elm Street were awakened Saturday by the sound of a STIHL chainsaw beginning at approximately 6:42am. No emergency calls were placed. Witnesses state they stood at their windows for an average of fourteen minutes before returning to bed, accepting what was happening.
Torin Barker, identified by three neighbors as "the chainsaw guy," emerged from the tree line at 8:58am carrying a protein shake. Eleven trees were confirmed felled by press time. Asked for comment, Mr. Barker said he was "just getting started." He was not asked a follow-up question.
Analysts cite "one very motivated customer" in central New Hampshire
Market analysts are pointing to an unusual spike in STIHL chainsaw parts orders traced to a single zip code. The purchaser's identity has not been confirmed publicly. The tab at the local hardware store has been confirmed. It is large.
A spokesperson for STIHL North America declined to comment but sources inside the company say internal morale "has never been better."
Cites emotional damage and a general sense of helplessness
Dennis Whitfield, a certified arborist serving the region for 22 years, has suspended his consultation practice indefinitely. In a brief statement to this paper, Mr. Whitfield wrote: "I know who is calling. I cannot help him. Nobody can help him. That is simply who he is now."
"Bro named his chainsaw. That's the whole review. 1 star."
"Showed up with a protein shake, a Bluetooth speaker playing country music, and zero remorse. Cut me down mid-banger. Didn't pause the song. I was 60 years old. He was having the time of his life. Said 'timber' out loud. To no one. 1 star."
"I'm not even mad about the chainsaw part. I'm mad he posted it on his story with a fire emoji and got 47 likes. FORTY SEVEN. People are out here celebrating this man. I went to the afterlife and the first thing I did was check. 47 likes. 1 star. Block him."
These numbers are fully audited. The methodology involved standing in Torin's backyard and counting stumps. Two auditors were sent. One returned. He didn't want to talk about it. We didn't push it.
Is your tree talking back? Standing where it shouldn't? Simply existing in a way that pisses you off? Submit it below. The Logfather will review all applications personally. Acceptance is not guaranteed. Rejection is impossible. he's coming regardless, and frankly nobody can stop him.
This is not a real service. Torin Barker is not available for hire, booking, or containment. This website was built purely to let his friends know he is, objectively, an absolute badass. No trees consented to their representation here. They had no opportunity to object.
Fill this out with your tree's information. The Logfather will be in touch. The tree will not.